What do you want them to say? "holy crap, you must be scared to death that your husband is going to die!" People can't win...they're trying to be encouraging and positive. It's a fact that unless they've walked a mile in your shoes, they don't understand. Therefore, it's impossible to find the right words. Don't talk to non-military affilitated people about deployments anymore if you don't want to hear comments.

People often just don't know what to say to someone in your situation, or in a situation they perceive as painful. The examples you gave sounded like people who wanted to encourage you. It might be uncomfortable for you, but I am so glad they didn't tell you he was a baby killer, or that they hoped he died, or that the war was pointless, or got political with you. Try to see things from their eyes.

Then don't talk about it.

Are you serious? I want to hit you! They don't know what to say!!!!

Well from an army wife who has been through it let me tell you.It will go by faster than you think. Things really are getting better over there. Hopefully you don't want to hit me but it is the truth. Give people a break and let them be there for you.

if you dont' want them saying polite things to you then vent to yourself..gosh give them a break they are only trying to be nice even if they don't know how hard it is and what is going on there.

Dear GOD the PPs need to take a chill pill. I can't help but wonder if they are even in the "military community". It's almost like they're outsiders. Everyone deals with deployments differently.

I happen to agree with the OP. People may be trying to be supportive but they would be better off saying, "I just wish I knew what to say but I have no idea. Just know that I'm here if you need anything." Often that'd go over better in my book.

I hate that too and when you hear, we'll be here for you to help out anytime and you never do!

I'm with you OP and 10:07.

Your right i would hit them too . I have family that has been their and i now have some their today and let me tell you its not easy . You caan't just walk down the street to check on them or drop stuff off that they need or want . You can't talk to them every day . The only thing that i can say is pray for them . And any chance that you get tell them how much you love them and can't wait to see them . If it wern't for them we wouldn't be here today . My hart goes out to you and your family . Just try and stay strong, it may not get easy and all you have is love and that's stronger than anything . If you need to talk please e-mail me at sweetgraciesmom@yahoo.com .

If you feel like hitting someone for trying to say something nice, then I would highly suggest you go seek some professional help. You have some issues that only a doctor can help you with.

They're just trying to be nice. It does go fast and I've been there, done that and am doing it again right now. And it is safer now than before in Iraq. The terrorists have mostly been beaten back!

I'd rather have someone say something positive to me than say something inane like "if you need anything" which is well meaning but rarely happens, and frankly I hate asking for things so I just don't ask!!

I have a great neighbor who mows my lawn every time he mows his--he is awesome! Didn't wait for me to ask, just does it and I am very appreciative! I shoot them an Outback GC every once in a while! (I don't hire a service because they don't care and slice the hell out of my pool screen nearly every time!)

I totally understand where you're coming from OP. It irks me too. I realize they don't mean to irritate, but it's irritating nonetheless.

You said they don't know anything about the military lifestyle or deployments, just nicely let them know, but don't be mad at them! It's not their fault them don't understand!

At least they are trying to be helpful. And 4/8 month deployments goes by a lot faster than 12/15, so shut up. People are trying to be empathetic, if you hate it so much then don't talk about it.

If you don't like the reactions you have received so far then stop talking about it!

Non-military are damned if they do damned if they don't

Oh I am definitely in the military community, 10:07! I just can't rationalize getting upset with civilians for not understanding and saying something that upsets little Mrs Delicate. How would they know?

LOL ill hold them down for you so your swing is more accurate.

I've only gotten truly mad with someone like that one time, and it was someone I've known nearly all my life who has always been a strident bitch, and thinks she has a place to speak on every subject under the sun. When she told me that my husband's impending 15 month deployment was "nothing" (her exact words), she was very lucky all I did was yell in her face rather than beat her ass. By this time, I'd been putting up with her flippant remarks about anything and everything for a couple of decades, and holding my tongue just fine, but that was the tipping point, and I told her she could go take a long walk off a short pier if she really thought that 15 months was nothing, especially since he was being sent to the worst part of the country as part of the troop surge. I am still mad at her for saying that.

Now, for other people who haven't been pissing me off for most of my life, I'm a little more tolerant of it, but it's still annoying. There are days when I sort of want to ask them how the hell they know it'll go by fast if they've never done it before. (And I've done this 3 times, year plus each time, so I do know it goes fast most times. It's just not their place to say that since they don't know.) This is pretty much why I try to avoid the subject in general. I don't like to talk about it with anyone, far less non-military-affiliated people.

Other people probably don't understand what you're going through but their right. Time does go by fast, I have been doing this for almost 8 months now and time is flying by. So yes time does go by fast plus you're Air Force, what's 4 months?? People are just trying to be nice and you seem like a bitch.

Wait a minute, 6:04, my Af Husband is gone for longer than 4 months! He has been deployed for 8 months with four months home three times in a row. SO now you seem like a bitch.

Time goes by fast but a person who is not used to this life might not know what else to say. I give them kudos for being supportive.

ME TOO! I also hate "look on the bright side and work with what you have." If I could look on the bright side, I wouldn't be so f*****g depressed. I only have respect for people who say that who have been where I am now.

OP - it's a tough situation to be in, i know because i'm going through it too. there really is nothing else people can say but that - in order to make you feel better :) they are trying, give them that :) and chin up :) good luck mate, we're all in the same boat with ya.

I think that when my husband was about to deploy, everything made me pissed off on some level.

OP, the more you talk, the more you come across as a total b*tch. It's not becoming, I suggest you stop before you're totally ripped a new one... if you don't think you've done that already.

Hey, I've got this fabulous idea:

Why don't we force military families to live on post and not ever leave, just to make sure that there is no contact with those unaffiliated with the military!! That way, we never have to worry about a regular old civilian trying to be supportive!

Really though, everyone needs/wants to hear different things. Outsiders will never be able to please everyone with their comments, so just be grateful you encountered someone who was at least attempting to be supportive and not one of those peaches who tells you your husband is a baby killer, m'kay?

Who the fuck cares 5:27, oooh lets rip her a new one over the internet. Damn.

blah blah blah blah blah

So much hate, and that is so unfortunate.
We are here to help each other, it doesn't mean we have to agree, but it shouldn't mean we have to hate.
Just relax, and offer advice if you have it. If you don't, please don't.

OP, those people are just trying to be nice to you and offer a supporting word. It may not be exactly what you want to hear, but maybe that is what they think will make you feel better. They just don't know the lifestyle, you said it yourself!!!!

If you do not like the comments that non-military people are making to you, it is best to complain and commiserate about the upcoming deployment to your fellow military wives only who can offer you better words of support. I am thinking that the support you are looking for is not found on here based on previous comments!

And for the whole you want to hit them...why would you want to hit someone who is just trying to be nice to you? Kick any puppies today?

Hey Haters... I thought this website was here to VENT... So the OP came here to vent and you bitches are all over her like flies on shit.

Give her a break!

If they don't know anything about the military, of course they are going to say something like that. It could be worse. You could have civilians saying, "Stop whining about the deployments because you signed up to live this life." I'm sure people have heard that in the past. As far as those who might have been through it before, they will probably say that time will go fast if you keep yourself busy. That is an amazing piece of advice. Remember, be thankful for people that are trying to console you...it is better than the alternative. Ultimately, we did all choose to be married to the military and live a life where we don't have our husbands half the time.

People always say that to me too. The last person that did was a good friend, who meant well. I told her that it doesn't really go by quickly when you know the one you love is in danger. She apologized and said she hadn't thought of that.

Sounds like you just want attention or sympathy because of the life you have chosen to live.

I've been through MANY deployments and that is exactly what I tell people. If you don't want to hear what I have to say, keep your whiney trap shut about something that we all have to go through. Some of us however don't want to listen to you bitch as if we've never gone through it ourselves.

Some one said: What do you want them to say? "holy crap, you must be scared to death that your husband is going to die!" People can't win...they're trying to be encouraging and positive. It's a fact that unless they've walked a mile in your shoes, they don't understand.

Well, you're right, they can't understand so instead of trying to pretend like they do, they should just admit that they can't imagine having to go through that kind of situation, and offer to help any way they can. Soemtimes it's better to just not say anythign at all if you can't find something helpful to say. It's alot like talking to someone at a funeral, if you can't think of anything to say, sometimes a hug says all you wanted to say and couldn't.

I know how you feel. All through my husbands deployment I have heard those remarks. It has been so hard to go from being part of a unit to just one on the home front. And it is so much harder when you do not live near a base and you dont have the closeness of the other wives. There is really no one who you can turn to. No one who really understands what you are going through to talk to. Deployments are not easy but atleast they dont last forever, even though it seems like it. Hang in there all the military spouses have your back.

I'm with 2:35.

OP, hang in there. i totally agree with you. some of these judgers/haters have been through a lot themselves and have probably learned to turn off their emotions at will. (hey! power to them for rising above this stuff).

i am only 4 months into a 15 month deployment myself but i have learned to guard my feelings a little since i cannot expect anyone to understand how their "polite positive words" actually belittle my emotions (whether it be loneliness, sadness, pride, or anger that day).

to me, it has little to do with how close the person is to you or whether they are military or not. it's a personality and sensitivity thing. i cannot share deployment stories people who does sticks their heads in the sand and tell me little white lies to make me feel better. i need a listener who says, "that sucks. this will be hard. i want to help if there is anything at all i can do."